Wednesday, October 15, 2008

life's lessons

I have experienced a major Ahhhh ha moment. I have found often, when my mind was not actively engaged, or to put me to sleep, that I create stories in my mind of things I'd like to do. The story line changed but in fact the actual story has always run along the same lines. Those lines are always a place where I would enjoy being if I lived in MY perfect world, and a place where I was successful in what I was doing.

For instance, currently I'd created a scenario where I was on a specially designed boat, (My design) an enclosed rubber bell outfitted with bathroom where you draw water up from ocean to shower and flush toilet by a pumping foot action. A boat designed as a lift boat, with 12 seats which were lockers with packaged food and water in each seat to last a month, a bedroll, air mattress, one size fits all track suit, and a special machine where you could pour in salt water and it would provide drinkable water. A vessel that was compact for the ship, but when released, that would inflate as it expanded, be enclosed, and shaped like a bell to float on the ocean. Also designed into it a paddle boat type system and a compass so one could cause the paddles to be turned either by a bike type pumping or by a piston type pumping of the arms. A place with exercise and good food provided and of course a dog or cat was in the scene. This at least was the most recent scenario. One of a life time of creations. All of them though were similar.

Then I felt the Lord caused me to go back to where I started doing this. I found the beginnings in a childhood trauma where the woman in charge of a school I was attending, told my mom she hated me - which I was not supposed to hear but did. Shortly thereafter, I was removed from that teacher and placed with another missionary to be schooled in isolation The other three students still attended school together. When they went out to play I was not allowed to be out with them. The person now teaching me told me that as I was such a bad girl nobody wanted to be around me. If I walked by the other kids playing nobody would talk to me. In effect, I was sent to Coventry but don't remember ever being told by mom or dad why. I don't know how long it lasted but it is a very painful memory.

This lead me to the source of my first escape. It started as a genuine dream, but such a comforting dream - where I'd found a lovely room, hidden underground, where I could go and nobody could find me. In this place I was safe - this happened when I was about 8 years old on a mission station in Africa.

After a time I was placed back in school with the other missionary kids, apparently now subdued enough to be endured. The woman who taught us though, continued to make me aware I was unacceptable - and more and more I escaped into my own inner life in my imagination. a place where I was acceptable and lovable.

To one degree or another I have continued to used this escape route all my life when emotionally in turmoil, or when stressed out/or I was made aware of my failures, not measuring up in life, lacking success. Often in this place I would invent someone who would like who I was and want to be my friend.

And so, I dreamed my successes and let the real success slip out my fingers. In one degree or another also, from that early time I have been afraid of people. Up til then I am told I didn't know a stranger - going up openly and gladly to anyone.

At 60 now, I dearly wish I could change those years of waste. But, by God's grace I will escape into unreality no more.

I knew my 'escapes' were a sin but chose to not deal with it. I told myself if I kept the details pure then it was not a sin, just self entertainment. Now I understand that in fact this put blocks in the way of my human relationships. Even more, it has blocked a full and rich relationship with the Lord.

One effect of this daydreaming, was that it became a problem when praying, battling for my attention. This was not true when I was working or going about my daily routines. But clearly a battle for my mind where it was most important.

Long ago I had a prophecy that the Lord wanted to kick down the walls around me, and draw me out into the light. But, as I did not understand, I did not move into the freedom He desired for me

For the first time since that original point of hurt I have felt a freedom, to love the Lord and not have to escape. The ability to escape now gives no comfort or solace - for which I am Praising the Lord - for His coming in and breaking this bondage over me. I find an excitement welling up in me.

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