Wednesday, October 15, 2008

life's lessons

I have experienced a major Ahhhh ha moment. I have found often, when my mind was not actively engaged, or to put me to sleep, that I create stories in my mind of things I'd like to do. The story line changed but in fact the actual story has always run along the same lines. Those lines are always a place where I would enjoy being if I lived in MY perfect world, and a place where I was successful in what I was doing.

For instance, currently I'd created a scenario where I was on a specially designed boat, (My design) an enclosed rubber bell outfitted with bathroom where you draw water up from ocean to shower and flush toilet by a pumping foot action. A boat designed as a lift boat, with 12 seats which were lockers with packaged food and water in each seat to last a month, a bedroll, air mattress, one size fits all track suit, and a special machine where you could pour in salt water and it would provide drinkable water. A vessel that was compact for the ship, but when released, that would inflate as it expanded, be enclosed, and shaped like a bell to float on the ocean. Also designed into it a paddle boat type system and a compass so one could cause the paddles to be turned either by a bike type pumping or by a piston type pumping of the arms. A place with exercise and good food provided and of course a dog or cat was in the scene. This at least was the most recent scenario. One of a life time of creations. All of them though were similar.

Then I felt the Lord caused me to go back to where I started doing this. I found the beginnings in a childhood trauma where the woman in charge of a school I was attending, told my mom she hated me - which I was not supposed to hear but did. Shortly thereafter, I was removed from that teacher and placed with another missionary to be schooled in isolation The other three students still attended school together. When they went out to play I was not allowed to be out with them. The person now teaching me told me that as I was such a bad girl nobody wanted to be around me. If I walked by the other kids playing nobody would talk to me. In effect, I was sent to Coventry but don't remember ever being told by mom or dad why. I don't know how long it lasted but it is a very painful memory.

This lead me to the source of my first escape. It started as a genuine dream, but such a comforting dream - where I'd found a lovely room, hidden underground, where I could go and nobody could find me. In this place I was safe - this happened when I was about 8 years old on a mission station in Africa.

After a time I was placed back in school with the other missionary kids, apparently now subdued enough to be endured. The woman who taught us though, continued to make me aware I was unacceptable - and more and more I escaped into my own inner life in my imagination. a place where I was acceptable and lovable.

To one degree or another I have continued to used this escape route all my life when emotionally in turmoil, or when stressed out/or I was made aware of my failures, not measuring up in life, lacking success. Often in this place I would invent someone who would like who I was and want to be my friend.

And so, I dreamed my successes and let the real success slip out my fingers. In one degree or another also, from that early time I have been afraid of people. Up til then I am told I didn't know a stranger - going up openly and gladly to anyone.

At 60 now, I dearly wish I could change those years of waste. But, by God's grace I will escape into unreality no more.

I knew my 'escapes' were a sin but chose to not deal with it. I told myself if I kept the details pure then it was not a sin, just self entertainment. Now I understand that in fact this put blocks in the way of my human relationships. Even more, it has blocked a full and rich relationship with the Lord.

One effect of this daydreaming, was that it became a problem when praying, battling for my attention. This was not true when I was working or going about my daily routines. But clearly a battle for my mind where it was most important.

Long ago I had a prophecy that the Lord wanted to kick down the walls around me, and draw me out into the light. But, as I did not understand, I did not move into the freedom He desired for me

For the first time since that original point of hurt I have felt a freedom, to love the Lord and not have to escape. The ability to escape now gives no comfort or solace - for which I am Praising the Lord - for His coming in and breaking this bondage over me. I find an excitement welling up in me.

Sunday, October 5, 2008


.....and all the universe was quiet, there was no light, I reached out to find something to hold onto, but only found void.

I knew that to move would destroy the quiet - this awesome quiet. To disturb it would bring down the wrath of the universe. Prone, I hid my head in my arms and waited....

How long I waited I don't know. I slowly became conscience, of a haunting, wild music -  perfect in harmony. It was a coming song - I knew. I understood that the waiting was over, and the happening was here.

The song came closer, crescendoing. I looked up - straining to discover this orchestra. I understood that it had existed for always, yet never been heard by mortals.

A deep rich light in the east shown out on a sparkling, gleaming orchestra of instruments. I cannot describe them. The instruments were held by dancing, graceful spectrum's of color - and I knew that they were alive.

I knew too that the song had been of always - and would ever be - unending. And the light increased, yet it too had always been - and time passed - a time that always was, and never existed.

The light was moving, dancing in graceful patterns of exquisite design. I not only heard music but I began to understand it. Some was light and airy, some sober, somber and dark , and some so rich it was out of the range of hearing, I could only feel it.

Then I began to hear the story - the story of the universe. I heard of the mighty King and Creator.

Then, all the music and it's players, and the dancing universe parted. The king was coming - and I saw His form. I knew Him as King, Master, Lord, Creator, Almighty - and I was afraid.....

How could I face Him. To know Him was past bearing and to not know Him unbearable. He was in all, and through all, and the music was in Him, yet also a telling of Him.

I fell on my face to the earth and behold, found it too was singing - a deep and mellow song - but in it's dignified, measured tones, was such a throb of unrestrained joy. And I understood. It was alive and preparing, repairing, making ready for her master. The light of the dancing stars and celestial bodies revealed earth - as it was meant to be, unscathed by all that had been inflicted on her. The earth stood as I knew it had been when created. I could not comprehend the perfection I saw, the unmarred beauty. And I saw for the first time that all mankind was there.

The faces of all were filled with awe, and all were on their knees. But the faces of some radiated a glory and joy that illuminated all their being. The faces of others however, were dark, mottled with terror - all color had fled leaving their faces filled with dread.

But, what of others. The King was here. All else disappeared. There was only Him. Then I was prone before Him. I looked up in awe and fear,  into His eyes.    In that brief fleeting glance I saw all the pain and sorrow my acts in life had wrought. I saw the sin, the evil of which I had been guilty - and my repentance, and...............
and oh.....

There was more, much more, more than I could bear seeing - more than I can bear to tell. I covered my eyes and clutched the hem of His robe and wept. I knew I would die of sorrow. I knew I could not live apart from Him, but I knew I could not even dare to look on Him. I was petrification, a stench on the universe. How could I have presumed to look upon Him. My spirit melted within me..... all was black.

Then, in awe, I felt warm tears on my forehead - tender hands lifted me up. He, who created the universe, embraced me. He washed me with His tears - and His tears cleansed me. I turned my head up to look at Him but a hand covered my eyes, but this blackness was warm and secure. He let me know my time was not yet. I must return to my own place for now.

And then I was alone.

I cannot remember the music, I can't even remember one chord. I have looked so long, and I can't find those colors. But, at times there is a glimpse that stops me in holy wonder.

Though I cannot remember, I know I will know Him when the time of my release comes. I long for Him and wait for Him. Oh the glory of knowing him.   Knowing He is there, and one day I will know Him fully. It makes the waiting bearable.

Day has come, fading the night,
Beams of dancing light, golden,
sparkles on the morning's laughing face,
Music, floating 'cross broad waves of light,
makes the heart dance, exalts the mind,
reaching up, bursting out, it leaps in ecstasy.

The mood of the earth moves in the dance,
All the world sways to the music's chant
Each separate creation holds deep within,
the thread of life, of worship, of glory.
All will exalt.

I dance to the tune sent out,
a singular melody, of purest delight.

And, in the morning, I a human alone,
respond with all nature to my great God,
Father to me.

The universe worships in a surety of knowledge,
But I am allowed the choice to respond,
To the tune, the pattern, the rhyme.

Oh God, I cannot see for the brilliance
of your splendour.
I bow my head, and peace enters in.
I am full, alive and totally one
united with You.