Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I've come to believe we all seek to establish a personal paradise for ourselves in our lives. We make our decisions and choices on what we desire: health, wealth, fame or better yet, all three.  Not that seeking success is the issue.  God gave us an inborn drive to succeed.  But, when we operate on the belief that  we have the right, and God has the obligation to make us happy and successful, rich, charming or without pain in life.  When the things in our lives don't meet our expectations of what is owed us,  we feel justified to be angry.

It's like there is a memory in humanity of the paradise lost in the garden of Eden.  I've even thought if they hadn't sinned maybe we'd still be in paradise, but in truth, all humanity has faced the same pressure, individually,  to rebel against our creator, and the same lies of the power that rebellion will give us.  That desire to establish the kingdom of "I".

This  truth has come home to me personally in my care for my aging mother who is no longer present mentally. Only her body remains.

I've found a terrible rage in my heart. I examined myself trying to understand why.  This is what came to me as I pondered and prayed for guidance from the LORD in this. I saw, that on a very basic level I am mad at God for allowing me to be so uncomfortable in my own skin. It was also a rage that I was prevented from having my own personal space, peace and contentment: kingdom in fact.
I believe my life is in God's hands. I know He doesn't ever give us the time line for any specific situation, good or bad.  I know it's a walk in trust and faith.

But, what I know in my head is slow to descend into my heart.  I've let anger overwhelm my trust and faith.  I saw that my anger was against God for letting this happen, not to mom, but to ME.  I saw that this was MY kingdom warring against the kingdom of God.   In my anger, I am  embattled against God.
That He has allowed me to care for my mom is God's gift to me. I'm beginning to see that in my mind.  My heart is still working on the gift part. But I do see, when I seek God and His way, that God is in this.  I also see this is hard time is not the worst or the hardest possible situation.
Moreover,  I understand I do not carry the  burden alone.  The Lord is in every situation with me.
God is working on the deeply embedded selfishness in my life because HE loves me. I am "His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, in which God has before ordained that I should walk." Ephesians 2:10, (loose translation.)

It seems that gratitude and giving of thanks is one of God's gifts to me in this time.  Also, when the 'feelings' come to turn directly to the Lord and fine His peace and grace. 

Glory to God in the Highest!  I give you thanks for your great glory.  Lord God, heavenly King.  God, the Father Almighty.

1 comment:

Nita Weldon said...

Nice Mom! Thanks for sharing some of what's happening inside of you. You are beautiful!
~ Nita