|Mom even made clothes to match for my dolls|
I KNOW being present and cognisant it's not within mom's control - and I KNOW my anger and impatience is not loving, or honoring. Sometimes I feel I'm doing pretty good and then something triggers the ugly in me.
I am now seeing it somewhat as fear. But also somewhat annoyance at my life being disturbed.
All my life I've been avoiding situations I cannot control. I'm realizing it's 'cuz I am a control freak. With my own children I was at peace as long as I could make them conform to my rules (Praise the LORD they still love me) And I've spent a lifetime of avoiding people or things I've perceived as irrational or erratic in behavior (in my judgment - such a revealing statement of me).
But, what does one do if a situation or person cannot be avoided? If a person in aging is becoming more and more like a baby, regressing and nothing I do or say will cause a change in their behavior. If you say don't do that, they just look at you and carry on doing it. Or say, after doing something the minute before, I didn't do that'.
This is the stress - Mom's irrational behavior. I know that I don't have control over "LIFE" as such, but I have so sought to keep my home a place in which to relax and be comfortable. I am not comfortable when mom bursts into my bedroom in the middle of the night. I'm not comfortable when she keeps poking through everything, and then takes whatever she wants off to her room. I'm not comfortable with her opening mail even though she has just read the name on the front and it's not her name. I'm not comfortable with that blank look of incomprehension when I talk to her.
But more, I am angry with my anger or impatience when I KNOW it's not within her control.
I love the LORD. I believe he is in control. I realize my belief in the LORD being in control was strongest during the years I felt pretty confident about my ability to handle my life. Now, with no income I've brought in, and a mom whose behavior is incomprehensible, I have become aware how personally I am struggling to trust, and more be thankful in the LORD in the here and now.
It is a steep learning curve - not one that is solved the minute I face it, but an ongoing facing of this situation on a daily basis and taking it to the LORD for His way. I must trust in the LORD to enable me to behave with love and honor. Talk about one's life being shaken.
In the scheme of things I also know what I am facing is not the hardest thing in life. I just have to look around and see how blessed I am. The truth is I am more blessed than otherwise. I need to count and diligently give thanks for my blessings. I am most certainly blessed.
Thank you LORD. Please in me and through me, enable me to bless my mom.